Indiana Osborne and the curse of the Sutton Barrow
A modern day fairy tale of fenland folklore - by Liz Hawkins
Once upon a time in a village in the Fens lived a man named Kim Osborne. Yes, a man. Despite this unfortunate accident of christening, Kim was a popular fellow, well liked amongst the villagers of Sutton in the Isle, and renowned for his extensive knowledge of pop trivia.
Amongst his many and varied interests, Kim was keen on Archaeology. As part of researches into the history of this pleasant Village of the Year 2002 (as sponsored by Calor Gas) Kim had become involved with a group known as the Archaeological Dig Project, or ADP for short. (Actually SCS-ADP due to it’s complicated and somewhat incestuous relationship with the village Conservation Society, but thereby hangs another tale…).
In the Spring of the Year of Our Lord 2004, Kim, and a group of fellow prehistoric enthusiasts, began to excavate the site of a burial mound. The location was top secret, so much so that all those involved were asked to sign a document in blood before the location was revealed to them, and secret passes were required to gain access to the mystical mound.
The curse of the Barrow began on the first day of digging. As if to warn of things to come, the spirits gave it their best throwing hail, rain, and wind at the unfortunate band. So keen were they to get muddy, however, they remained on the sacred site nearly all day.
In subsequent weeks and months, the curse manifested itself in more varied and imaginative ways. Some events may be seen by the sceptic as mere accidents of fate, pure coincidence. But those intimately involved in village life know better. No sooner than Indiana Osborne becomes involved in a project, than the spirits of the past begin to show their wrath. It became more and more apparent that this time, Indiana Osborne was not going to escape lightly. Following days where the sun scorched the intrepid diggers, and the wind nearly blinded them with dust, the more bizarre and intriguing "accidents" began to occur.
In an attempt to dissociate himself from this misfortune, Indiana Osborne escaped the barrow for several weeks by throwing himself into primitive celebrations know as "Feast Week", an ancient Fen tradition resurrected by a group of locals to celebrate the passing of 2000 years of God’s life and death. The pagan spirits were obviously displeased by this attempt to escape their powers, for as soon as Feast Week was over, they exacted their revenge. Indiana Osborne was struck down by a severe attack of Gall Stones, and the shamans were put on alert. Following examination by local medicine men, Indiana Osborne was advised to abstain from feasting and making merry for the foreseeable future, something he soon forgot the next time a trip to the Chequers was mentioned.
Ignoring this warning sign at his peril, Indiana Osborne continued to visit the site of the Barrow, in fact he was seen there the very next day. It slowly began to dawn on his fellow diggers that perhaps his position on various committees was a bad omen. Slowly the evidence began to come to light, and clues pieced together showed an emerging pattern of illness and misfortune wherever Indiana Osborne ventured. In previous years he had been struck down by appendicitis, and, as if by some strange coincidence, the Chair of the ADP had also been struck down with this same affliction during the very Feast Celebrations themselves. Another unfortunate lady had also succumbed to this painful condition two years previously. Indiana Osborne had twisted his ankle whilst chasing ducks down a river bank, and was so badly injured his metal steed had to be carted home by a local. People he talked to suddenly developed bad colds, and soon he was beginning to worry that people crossed the street when they saw him coming. One unfortunate digger had arrived at the barrow in good health, only to have to return home after a few hours with a suspected fracture to her finger, and that was when Indiana wasn’t even present…
The spirits were obviously not happy, and something needed to be done.
On consultation with his many friends and associates in Sutton in the Isle it was agreed that an exorcism should be held to banish once and for all, the evil forces he had disturbed from their centuries of rest.
It was decided that an offering should be made on the night of the last full moon in October, shortly before the sacred night of All Hallow’s Eve. This would consist of placing a garland of ivy, holly and hawthorn at the barrow site, along with a three course meal from the Sutton Tandoori. Lets hope the full moon is a Tuesday, as he will get five courses for £10, so the spirits will be even more appeased…
This should then be followed by a huge party for all those directly or indirectly affected by the curse. Feasters and Diggers, Conservationists and those who go to the Chequers should all be invited. Much ale should be drunk and food consumed, loud music of Indiana Osborne’s choosing should be played.
Only by repeating this solemn ritual each year at the close of the Barrow digging season can Indiana Osborne ensure the health and longevity of his fellow villagers. Let’s hope he can rise to the challenge…